|
|
|
| Review
- The Scorpion King |
|
Everyone gets bitten in the ass every once
in a while. I've been bitten in the ass several times. And the other
night, I got bit. Not hard, but it did hurt. I got bit in the ass by a
movie called 'The Scorpion King'. After seeing 'The Mummy Returns', and
seeing the special effects at the end of the movie with The Rock as The
Scorpion King, I thought that the new movie would be terrible. I
considered not even bothering going to see it. I thought it would be a
waste of time. What ended up happening was I ended up going and out of
nowhere I got an ass-bite. The Scorpion King ended up being a hell of a
lot better movie than I ever expected.
The movie revolves around the story of WWF superstar The Rock, also
known as The Scorpion King, seeking revenge on the evil tyrant Memnon
for the death of his brother. Does The Scorpion King have a story? Well,
sort of, I guess. Does it have character development, deep meaning, life
altering events or any of that jazz? Ha Ha Ha Ha! Absolutely not. But
did it need it? Hell no! Is the villain of the movie as evil as he
should be? Well, not really. He could have had more of an edge. (I just
mention that because it was one thing that stood out for me.) What it
has is lots of fighting, a little bit of comedy, quite a bit of cleavage
(was cleavage even invented in ancient times?) and surprisingly, no
blood. 'The Scorpion King' is like a good old-fashioned action movie in
the mold of a Stallone or Schwarzenegger flick of the 1980's. It is pure
entertainment and not much more. But God, you gotta love it. I would
even go so far as to say that it is the best installment of the three
Mummy movies. The Rock has a screen presence that gives you no choice
but to love the guy. He's charismatic, funny and he has pretty good
timing. And the guy's built like a brick you-know-what house.
I guarantee this movie will have its detractors. It will not live up to
the standards of the so-called movie experts. There were even a few of
them in the theatre with me. You know, the people who sit there and
laugh sarcastically at the action scenes of the movie. They laugh like
they could do better. Like that action scene is not good enough for
them. I know people like that. I have one friend, in particular, who I
sometimes attend movies with who is like that. And you know what he did
to me once? He got up from his seat, during a movie, during a quiet
scene, and blew an extremely loud fart in my face. It was embarrassing.
Extremely embarrassing and immature. But you know what? I really felt
like going up to those people who sat in the theatre, laughing at The
Scorpion King and farting in their face. Farting in their face and
saying "How's that for funny? Jerk." And considering I drank a
pop before the movie and had to piss really bad, I could have pissed on
them. And then burp in their face. Laughing out loud at a movie.
Sarcastically. Jerks.
Anyways, go see The Scorpion King. The weather is great. Patios are
open, the streets are filled, everyone's in shorts, there's plenty of
cleavage, it feels like summer. At least in Toronto it does. And what
better way to celebrate summer than sitting back, turning off your mind
and enjoying a good action flick. I really hope this movie does well
because we need more movies like The Scorpion King. This is what
Hollywood used to be good at - just trying to entertain. When they get
too deep, we end up being tortured with to too many Billy Bob Thornton
and Russell Crowe movies. We need more of The Rock!
  
- 7.5/10
Brendan Cullin - Senior
Editor
More Reviews - Click
Here
|
|
|
|
|
