Movie Review: The Hills Have Eyes

March 16, 2006 by Alex
Filed under: Movie News, Movie Reviews

Movie Review: The Hills Have Eyes (spoilers and profanity to follow)

At the exact moment that a remake of Wes Craven’s classic The Hills Have Eyes was announced – thousands of horror geeks around the world threw their arms up and screamed to the heavens. For fans who’ve seen a sudden resurgence of remakes of everything from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre to House of Wax to The Fog, it seemed to be yet another needless remake. Even though the original isn’t perfect, it’s a nasty and grisly little tale, and making a big budget remake of it would seem to go against everything that made the original work. This version of Hills gives a decent try at copying the original, by just making it a more extreme version. It succeeds as far as the gore factor goes, but it ultimately fails on just about every other level.

The story runs pretty much the same as the original. A family (dad, mom, 3 children and the eldest daughter’s husband and baby) goes on a trip through the desert with their two dogs, headed to CA on vacation. Driving a truck with a trailer attached, they stop at a gas station whose owner seems to be involved with some unseen people hanging around the hills. He sets them off on the wrong way after some interminable dialogue and leads them into a trap set by the indigenous people. The Hills residents throw a spike strip in front of the truck and cause them to crash in the middle of nowhere. The two men in the family set out to get help, and it’s at that point that the mutants get ready for action.

They kidnap the father and use him as bait to get everyone out of the house, and then two of the mutants go after the young girl and have a little hanky panky while the baby sits nearby. It’s a disturbing scene – while the dad’s screaming outside the girl’s screaming inside, and no one can help anyone. When the night is over 3 people are dead, the baby’s missing, and the others are rattled. The husband grabs a bat and sets off to get his baby.

The film turns into a revenge movie after this, where the man goes to kill his child’s captors and get back to (what’s left of) his family. The kids at home fend for themselves the best they can, thankful that their father was a gun lover. Needless to say, it doesn’t end well for anyone in the story.

Ok, so that doesn’t sound too bad. There’s a lot I’m leaving out, obviously, but that’s the basic story. And that’s where the problem is. This movie takes forever to get to each of these points.

There’s one thing this movie does and it does it well – it’s gory as hell. From the first scene a man blows his head off you know you’re in for some bloodshed. It doesn’t disappoint on that. It’s just a shame that the movie up to that point is a dull, plodding mess.

There’s just too many ridiculous parts of the movie that it makes it impossible to take seriously or enjoy – even if you take it as a shitty but fun cannibal movie, like Wrong Turn. There were so many little things that I hated about this movie that I should just write a list down … and in fact, I will. Here goes.

- First off, it’s always a good idea to start a movie off with boring conversations by characters that overact. ALWAYS.

- The Characters. They’re caricatures of Americans … which makes sense, because this was directed by a Frenchman. There are interviews where the actors said that they had to push to make their dialogue more believable but it’s obvious they didn’t push f

- The Score. Whoever did this must’ve had a copy of a different movie in his hands. This one is scored like a western – all triumphant blaring horns. You’ll be trying in vain to hold in the laughs as the good guy finally snaps and kills a mutant, and the

- The Trap – One of the more ridiculous events in the movie – there’s a part near the end where the main characters set a trap for the mutants involving a strip of matches and gas. Yes, they blow up their trailer to kill one mutant, and effectively kill t

- The Jump Scares. Every fucking scare in this movie is a Jump scare. it happens all The time, too. there is no sense of tension, no dread, just a quick jab of music whenever someone sees a shadow. it gets to The point of being annoying.

- The Backstory – The mutants have a story. Yes, they’re people too, you see. Their families were the residents of the area back when the U.S. was doing nuclear tests in the desert, and they refused to leave their homes. That’s why they’re attacking … f

- The Mutants – The mutants themselves are nothing special. The main guy is no Michael Berryman, instead looking like a cross between Sloth from the Goonies and the Toxic Avenger. He breaks through so many walls he must be a relative of the Nemesis. (I ke

- The Ending. And then there’s this. The movie does finish (maybe this is a plus?) but then it has to go and end on a “DUN DUN!!” ending that’s so pointless and stuck on that it leaves you rolling your eyes while you scramble for your coats to get the fuc

Alright, now that the bad’s out of the way let’s get to the good (I’m backwards like that).

- The Gore. KNB did an amazing job with the gore here, and although 3 minutes have been cut out it’s pretty brutal. There’s a lot of stuff you wouldn’t expect to see in theaters, and since the movie takes itself so seriously it is more of a disturbing kin

- The Look. It’s also shot really well. Aja’s got a great eye, there’s no doubt of that, and the desert does look beautiful and scary at the same time, which is perfect. I just can’t stand his movies.

I really can’t express how much I hated this movie. It’s frustrating to see something that had so much potential fail so much. Having said all that, if you liked High Tension – you might like this one too. I thought that was another overrated, ridiculous movie – but I really think that it’s going to be the gauge on if you’re going to like The Hills Have Eyes or not.

As for me, I just feel sorry for Wes Craven. He hasn’t been doing too well lately. (3 out of 10)

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